more lessons from Nollywood

24 Things we've learnt from Nollywood (was sent this list by a friend)

1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo' / joining a cult/ sleeping with rich men.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
9. With a pastor ... all things are possible.
10. A movie can be titled anything... such as:
*The boy is mine,
* Face me, I face you,
*Two rats,*Spanner,
*Calculator,
*Igala,
*Ijele,
*Igodo,
*Igudu
*Shigidi
11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.
12. You are in love... you want to take your girl out, the best place youtake her to is...
*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an ex while feedingeach other.
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry herplayfully.
*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
13. An Igbo movie has been made if ...
* You visit a 'Babalawo'
* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half ofthe movie time.
* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is also there too!
* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult14. Gun shots and fireworks sound the same!
15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie andother times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!!(Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates thewhole story repeatedly - so much for suspense and intrigue.)
16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two ofthe following actresses-
* Stella Damassus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
* Kate Henshaw-Nuttall
17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in reallife.
18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even inlonger flashbacks.
19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your headwill be bandaged. Same for your legs.
21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because... people aredeaf?
22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- verygood furniture, T.V., but you won't be able to send your kids to school.
23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient andcomical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and nevermind his business.
24. The bad guy always dies or gets caught by the police





This stuff has been flying around the blogosphere for a while but it first came to my attention in Life, The Guardian newspaper’s Sunday supplement and it was credited to laspapi.blogspot.com. It cracked my ribs to no end so I decided to expound on it with my relatively minute knowledge/exposure to Nollywood.

· Every problem is spiritual: if it is in a Yoruba movie, you either go to a ‘babalawo’, an ‘alfa’ or a white garment church. It’s only in English/Igbo movies you get to go to a Pentecostal or surprisingly the Catholic Church.

· The conversation is extremely lacklustre, and in other cases bogus/out of place/verbose.

· All lovers must go to the beach/an eatery/a boutique and while they are cavorting and ‘playing love’, the soundtrack is a sappy Celine Dion/ Westlife love song. Have these Igbo merchants heard of ‘copyrights’? "Copy gini"?

· Someone is to travel aboard a plane but we only see a plane taking off without seeing when the said person goes on board.

· There has yet to be made a Nollywood movie that does not impart some sort of moral or the other.

· No matter where you are shot, you must bleed from the mouth.

· You can’t have a street scene without the whole neighbourhood appearing in your movie

· Any movie that has ritualistic/cultic undertones/overtones is not complete without either Kanayo.O.Kanayo and/or Pete Edochie.

· You don’t need to be a genius to predict the way a Nollywood movie will end.

· Film is a business form in Nigeria and not an art form.
{respect though to Eddie Ugboma, ‘Tunde Kelani ,Ola Balogun et al}

· An actor can play the same role in different movies over and over again {when dem no be Dracula}. Case in point: Mama Gee {Patience Ozokwo?}, always the wicked mother or mother-in-law. Obviously there is no word like "typecast" in her dictionary.